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Inside my Head
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brooding.
Concert
Dad
Different Values
Elijah Wood
End of week!
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Jean ValJean
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Friday, 11 March 2005
Les Miserables
Topic: Jean ValJean
Les Miserables has to be the greatest book ever, next to Lord of the Rings. I absolutely adore Jean Val Jean!!! I wish I knew someone like him. He is wonderful. Every time I read the book, I get the heeby-jeebies. He is such a beautiful person! Er, character (not real, I forget!). *Sigh*. I want to marry someone like Jean.

Posted by peri-farie at 8:16 AM
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Thursday, 17 February 2005
I hate interviews and conniving, sneaky friends!
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: nothing. nothing whatsoever.
Topic: brooding.
I hate life. And im not grumpy. Well I am, but for good reason. How come when I help someone they take me for granted? When I think im doing the right thing, they are rude back! Why? I was trying to help and I get slapped in the face. But I'm reminded of the words from Luke 6 : "turn the other cheek"
~
""But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even `sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even `sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even `sinners' lend to `sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
~
Thank you God for comforting me. Life is hard. Heck what is hard, is PEOPLE. People complicate good things. Please help my embittering spirit lift! Please Father, show them that they hurt me when they do those things. Give me courage to tell the one person with patience and self control. Help her to see what she does to me isn't right. Show me what you would have me do Father. I love you and thank you Father from my weary soul..amen

Posted by peri-farie at 2:03 PM
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Saturday, 12 February 2005
Thinking...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: the lawnmower outside
Topic: Different Values
I feel so different than my friends.
For some reason, i don't think the same way they do. We share the same interests, backgrounds, humour, and somewhat morals, but we have different values.
Like in guys for instance. Money is a big thing with my friends. They talk about how they want a huge and gorgeous wedding ring, and how they want to marry a rich man. But for me, money isn't so important. They've all grown up in more wealthier households than me, though they are definitely not rich. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Growing up in our household, we're modest with our money, and our house is not really decorated, but it's neat and clean. We don't have fancy cars, but reliable ones, and we don't spend all our money on entertainment or clothes, but we still enjoy things. When i marry someone, i want them to be financially reliable/stable, but i don't care about living in a nice house or driving a new car. You know? It's weird i guess. I really dont care about that stuff. As long as we love eachother passionately, share the same morals, and can provide for our kids, that is all i care about.

Posted by peri-farie at 9:53 AM
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Wednesday, 9 February 2005
Chocolate
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: "Frail" Jars of Clay vintage
Hershey's milk chocolate is probably the best thing in the world.
oh my goodness. i just had one and it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. i couldn't believe how good it was. Thankyou France for giving us chocolate.

Posted by peri-farie at 12:33 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 9 February 2005 12:34 PM
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Saturday, 25 December 2004
What a nice Christmas...
Mood:  sad
Topic: Dad
ugh! i can't even get the holidays off from him!
he is so disgusting and ugly to me. not physically, but mentally and emotionally...He has the ugliest attitude i've ever seen. he can NEVER EVER STOP bugging me. good God! why does he have to keep on nagging and annoying me! can't you live off of one annoyance a day? no of course not, that's not good enough. nothing is ever ACCEPTABLE to you. "[my name], that's not acceptable." no, dad, why would it be? i mean, i'd have to be PERFECT for it to be "acceptable". i feel like screaming in fury. i thought about suicide yesterday. i could easily take a bottle of pills. but i love mom too much to leave her. and leave her alone with dad. then i thought about driving away. because i can now, since i have a car, even though it's not technically myne. but..i dont know what my parents would do when they found me. kill me? no, that's illegal. maybe dad would beat me. or ground me from everything i enjoy. and when i say everything, i mean just excercise. because that's the only thing i can't live without and he knows it. that devil knows it. he is my worst enemy. he never ever stops. one minute it's "thankyou for the christmas present" the next, it's "clean up your room, i told you to do that yesterday, clean up your room. don't you talk to me that way" even though he is theone who came roaring in at me 1 hour after we opened presents and i DID clean my room just last night. the freak. he is so incredibly mean. it's not cleaning the room that bothers me. mom asks me to clean my room and it's annoying but i love her. no, it's his macho, egoistical, dictator,controlling attitude that i detest. he always thinks he's the only right one in the world. he's got it all figured out, and if anyone disagrees with him, then they must be giving him "disrespect". because he's a man and the oldest one, so he's got to be always right. he makes me sick. just because your the head of the household doesn't mean your GOD. i wish mom and me lived by ourselves. life would be so much better, you don't even know. only 5 more months though, and i can get out of this hell hole.

Posted by peri-farie at 7:18 AM
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Sunday, 19 December 2004
Sad and scared and overwhelmed with confusion
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: "Lonely People" revised by Jars of Clay
Topic: reality hits
every time the lord of the rings extended dvd comes out, i almost DON'T want to watch it!
The friendships of the cast on the appendixes touches my heart. they are very close and it sounded extremely hard for them to leave new zealand. it reminds me of my own friends and people i know. that i have to leave also in 5 months. 5 months from now, i will most likely never see them again. some of these people are close to me, and others aren't, but ultimately, i love them all. all these people that i've grown up with..these people that i graduated from elementary school with..you know..ill never see these people again.
not even my best friends, my friends who i have known for 6 years and some 8 years..it really hurts. i mean, even over summer, i was just looking forward to graduation- getting out of high school was the highlight of my senior year. but now, as graduation draws near- only a couple of months- the reality hits me. my beloved friends! who i have shared tons of memories with! ...it makes me want to cry. my 2 best friends are like my sisters- i'm so close to their family it's like i am a part of it. leaving them is going to be difficult. on graduation day im going to be crying my eyes out. change is good, but it is SO HARD. its hard to put into words. that almost scary feeling of, "where do i go now?". i mean, hopefully, i will have a college i am going to for sure by then, but still, a gaping, confusing, and overwhelming feeling exists. I'M LEAVING HIGH SCHOOL! I AM GOING TO BE AN ADULT!!!!how scary! i am going to be away from my parents! in a new city! living with people i haven't even met yet!!!making my own money at a job!
this freaks me out. independence.complete unrestraint. leaving my family and sisters.it brings tears to my eyes. and sorrow into my heart. i dont want to leave them! but i want to get away..just not leave those close to my heart. God, it hurts. One friend in particular, is extremely close to me, i just want to hug her forever. i don't want to see her go! we have such a beautiful friendship- that it can't dissappear.i miss her already and it's only december. we don't graduate till may.
and my mom! im going to miss my mom so bad! she is the only one who comforts me when i feel sad and scared..
why? why do things have to be so hard?why can't things get better without getting worse at the same time?

Posted by peri-farie at 12:17 PM
Updated: Sunday, 19 December 2004 12:21 PM
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Thursday, 9 December 2004
blah.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: "Unforgetful You" ~Jars of Clay
Topic: yuck.
man. this is the third time ive gotten my mens cycle this year and it completely sucks. i hadn't been eating as much as earlier so i thought i would've been able to avoid it, but nooooo. now iam all bloated and gross feeling. i feel dirty. and carbs i am especially vulnerable to when im on the "crimson flow" so i ate too much chocolate..and now i am disgusted with myself. i was really hungry even though i already ate a lot.
being on your comma is like being pregnant.
uhghhhhh.
all i want to do is sleep..and stay home from school to sleep..
so tired....but too much to do... i cant sleep yyet..

Posted by peri-farie at 12:58 PM
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Sunday, 28 November 2004
continued
and another thing that pops up.
my psyche is just deteriorating the worse this stuff gets.
now, besides having sleeping, eating, and social problems, NOW i have SPEAKING problems too!
just a couple of arguments ago, i started stuttering.
i've never stuttered before in my life.
this is so weird and freaky. every argument i've had since then with my dad has resulted in stuttering.
it's uncontrollable and i hate it because i feel like such an idiot.THAT is what he does to me. feel really low and stupid and worthless.

Posted by peri-farie at 2:38 PM
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Frustrated
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: nothing. nothing.nothing.
Topic: Dad
aaghhhhhhhhh. i am so frustrated with my dad. i hate to even call him that. he's not a father. he's just someone who pays half of my school tuition.
he is ALWAYS it never ever ends!always bugging me. he is like a loathsome little brat brother. he never stops! i feel like screaming whenever he's around. and i just have to bottle it up inside because what else can i do? he always bursts into my room when i'm writing in my diary or praying or something! and when i asked for privacy so i could write my college essays he continues to burst in, without knocking, and doesn't even say he is sorry. he is such a jerk! gaaaaaaaah!i am so mad. i wish i had boots on so i could stomp on his feet. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
only one other person in the world makes me frustrated, and it's my best friend.(we are complete opposite personalities), but my dad is 10 times worse than her.

Posted by peri-farie at 2:33 PM
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Wednesday, 24 November 2004

Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: "It's not confidential.I've got potential.."
Topic: Music
and I've-got-that-song-stuck-in-my-head! anyways. that's an interesting song. but i'm not really into that whole sound. too rock-ish. i like soulful rock. not soft rock, mind you, because that's just corny. i mean, soul ful, heartfelt, poetic, rock, like my homies jars of clay!with acoustics and stuff.

you know, i just remembered another thing from the concert. stephen mason was playing this thing on the keyboard,on one of the songs, but it wasn't a keyboard. i'm wondering if it was a slide guitar. it was very different. like an accordian or something, very high pitched but way cool.

so other bands i need to check out that are supposed to have the same musical tendencies/leanings are:
radiohead, toad the wet sprocket, vertical horizon, r.e.m, and U2, to name a few.

Posted by peri-farie at 1:23 PM
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